i wish i could be a love machine
instead i am just a mere human
puttering away at life
full of fear and anxiety
hoping against hope to make it out alive
in this great pandemic
if i was a love machine
than maybe i would write better god damn poetry
maybe i would actually write instead of being paralyzed
but you know what
i am a god damn love machine incased in a human body
my heart beats to love and to grow
my heart beats so I can cry and laugh
and my heart bests so i can write these words of love
boddhisattva of the ages has vowed
to ease the suffering of others.
i am no saint, yet just for today,
i vow to freely share what has
been freely given to me.
may all beings be happy.
may all beings be at ease.
may all beings be free of suffering.
my mind is waking up,
being present to what is.
i know i am not the only one that feels this way,
but i am done with this pandemic.
i am done being surrounded by death,
i am done being surrounded by loss.
grief is so thick in the air,
and part of me wants to run away.
i want to run into something, anything that
is better than the reality of this pain.
and yet i remain, my practices have taught me
to breathe and sit with my pain.
i settle into my meditation cushion,
and i rage at the
loss of friendships,
loss of jobs, and
loss of possibilities yet to be.
my heart aches and yearns for a reality that
is only in my mind.
i sit with my suffering.
i sit with the loss and
accept that death is part of life,
and yet i rage inside and say
“this shit ain’t normal.”
But what can i do?
i am just a laid off chaplain seeking
i got the pandemic blues.
But shit, i ain’t hopeless.
i will bear my suffering,
and walk through it
like a fearless boddhisattva
to embrace life and death
you showed me love, even when I was not at my best.
you loved me, even when I did not love myself.
thank you for giving me life, and loving me.
i will try to love others like you loved and still love me,
a love that nurtures even those that are lost.
a love that guided me home to the seat of my own heart.
Love and hope still connects us,
even now as we have to stay away from
another 6 feet apart.
We can connect through a welcoming smile,
and with an open heart of a child instead of giving into fear.
Don’t give up,
love and hope still connects us.
Each mine is precious and
never the same.
Each moment is a gift, and
yet I squander my moments away.
Why are you so far and yet so near?
It’s in the moments of grief that I cry out to you,
and moments of joy I forget about you.
Thank you for the gifts of joy and sorrow,
because both are great teachers.
May I accept life in all of it’s fullness.
Where have you been?
Oh, you were with me all along.
Sometimes You are so close that
I cannot see you.